Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Blah Night

Hearing the kids having fun at McDonald's. I'm not in a good mood myself. The days are long, and the weekends too short. I feel slightly burnt out today.

I've been on what feels like a roller coaster for a while now. I'm handling it pretty well, I think. Other than the other time when I felt something catastrophic was coming around.

It was the worst feeling I had felt for a long time. I felt it before and I had forgotten it, put it out of my mind, buried it so far away I would never have found it again, but it found me. Needless to say, it ruined my night. I actually felt for a split second, like I wasn't in love. It was shocking, literally. I felt an electric shock surge from my brain through the rest of my body, my eyes teared up, my chest was heavy and painful. I thought I was going to collapse.

I decided not to let it bother me too much, I know my own tendency for taking too much on mentally at the wrong time. Well... it didn't help. It felt like the fastest passing panic attack ever, but left me more hurt than any i've had been in a long time.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usI tried my best to sleep that night, and it just didn't go too well. You know... I know I'm in love, but that split second feeling really shook me. It was difficult to accept.

The next morning I felt better. I thought the true test of how I handle things will reveal itself when I hear my girlfriend's voice, and when she called, I was eager to see what my gut feeling would be. When I heard her voice, my whole body's tension level dropped. Not down to nothing mind you, I was still surprised by what had happened the night before.

It was a strange experience, I feel brought on by comments questioning my feelings. I think my weak emotional shell was cracked from hearing about how many horrible things are being said to my girlfriend. I thought I could just be the "rock", but after all these years, I over estimate my ability to do that anymore.

Once again, I whine and whine about my situation, when in reality, I have it pretty good. I just had a great weekend with my girl. I miss her when she's gone, although I hate, hate, errr.. dislike the telephone relationship. I want more time with her... ofcourse, I'm not nuts. I know there is value to my own time, but I have such little time to myself these days, what do I know?


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