Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Case Of The Ingrate

Sometimes you just get smacked in the face with reality. I have to wonder what I'm in for and what i can take. The future should be brighter, save for the grey hair (if i have any left).

I struggle with my patience. My patience for kids that aren't mine, which i never did want. I made a decision, either out of selfishness or plain old personal weakness to not have any kids of my own and was able to use the excuse that my girlfriend already has kids to get a vasectomy and ensure that I'm not responsible for any of my own. Maybe that's it, maybe I'm just running from the responsibility.

They get on my nerves sometimes, most times...kids. I know the typical "kids are kids and kids will be kids" bullshit people spew and you know what?, to some extent i can even see how that works, but ultimately aren't parents responsible to their kids? Aren't they responsible for setting up the foundation for their values, beliefs and general sense of being at an early age?

My girlfriend's kids can be the cutest, loving, caring kids... when it strikes their fancy. They are forever un-appreciative of the slightest you might do for them. Are they spoiled? yes. Can they be taught that not everything that happens in their life is their right? yes. Father has money and will spend at will to keep them quiet. What happens when they get outta line? Not much, you know why? They don't get outta line as frequently with their father as they do around their mother and myself. There are no consequences with us. I can't do anything as the eunuch that i am in the relationship and when all mother does is scream her head off, it turns into a screaming match or you learn to phase out the screaming and carry on.

I had a difficult time going away with the kids this time around. The lack of respect for the adults and the situation in general was just eating at me. I couldn't deal with it and to keep from saying anything, i just kept my mouth shut and shut down my brain as much as possible. I survived by living moment to moment, seeing it all as chapters of a dull book i had to read in English class, knowing that there is a last chapter and i can move on.

It seemed that no matter what the activity, no matter how much was spent, it was only a matter of time before the next whiny complaint was hurled at us. There was always something boring, something wrong, something they didn't get that they wanted to get. It was a never ending stream of "gimme this, gimme that, i can't believe we have to do this, this is the worst". I just gave up emotionally.

I have to hand it to my girlfriend. She's their mother of course so it's expected to some point that she'll deal with this, but it takes so much patience and restraint, it's admirable.

Now this year, I'm not able to go on our usual week long trip out of town, so they are going without me. When asked "Are you happy you don't have to go with us and deal with the kids", My answer of course is "No, I'm not happy about that". But who am i kidding?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Looking for Some Time

Big trip coming up. I've been away with the kids before, but it's always been with some kind of child distraction available. When we go to Delawanna Inn, the kids are in camp programs and there are entertainment programs after dinner. Just a way to keep the people from getting bored, but more importantly, to keep the kids from driving parents nuts every night.

This weekend, it's off to Niagara Falls and to just a simple hotel for 1 night. It will be tough to keep the kids distracted enough. There's always the water park, the arcade, the restaurants and museums, etc, but ultimately kids never get enough.

I just know that a trip like this is never a relaxing kind of affair, and in my mind, most trips should be. When you get a chance to take time off work, it should be to unwind and recharge your batteries. This won't be the case for me, but let's just hope the kids are going to keep things cool.

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Monday, March 09, 2009

Spring Forward? Who give a shit... really

Isn't it about time that we forget this whole day light saving's time nonsense? Got the whole world messing with their clocks twice a year, giving people the excuses they need to show up at work late, and yet another dumb ass topic to discuss over by the water cooler.

There's no real proof that the clock changing custom is having a big impact on our global energy saving efforts, and i'm sure we can find a more inventive way to remind people to change the batteries in the smoke detector.

I'm just tired of the custom and don't see any point, farmers don't care, people in office buildings and factories don't care, especially in this age of 12-24 hour shift-work.

Time to leave it alone already, we only keep the "fall back" time for 4 months now? Why bother.... America.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Home is Where It Is...

A home owner now. A whole new set of responsibilities and headaches, but this time it's for the better, it's something that can't frustrate you, only serve to make you more complete and grow up for a change.

It's been an exciting ride so far although i have a typical experience with an unscrupulous roofer that is trying to rip me off, but i won't go into that.

I tried for so long to hold off on this move... to buy a house or just plain move out of my mother's place and it just didn't come together until now. 32 years old, that's only slightly pathetic, but such is the reality. I suppose it was simply a money issue and being brought up the way i was, the son of an immigrant couple in a new country, having to scrimp and save every single day for a better future, made me want to hold on to money as much as possible. Yes, i guess some would call it cheap, i just call it being very afraid. I'm constantly in fear of what could be coming around the corner and how will i be able to survive it. For this, i hold onto my money as much as possible, as though it will make a difference.

I'm not certain of much, will i be able to afford my lifestyle, will i have a job next month, will i need to help my family out? Too much uncertainty.

I do worry about things, but i'm happy to say, that it's not as bad as it used to be. I'm more clear headed and assured of many things. This is just one of those primal fears that were instilled in me early on. I live the fear that my parents had through my developing years. Jeez, you'd think figuring this out would have helped me get over it. I'm not Obama and change doesn't come easy for me, for any of us come to think of it.

Certainty is something i value and these days uncertainty is the only guarantee.

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

An Inconvenient Truth

I just finished watching "An Inconvenient Truth", an absolutely eye opening, impacting movie. Of course most of us have heard of our impact on the environment and we've heard warnings of one thing or another and always, at least in my own life, go on not thinking the problem is as great as it is. Maybe the problem is that the problem is in fact so large, that i'm we are unable to grasp just how important an issue this is. The problems we all read about on the front pages of newspapers and see illustrated in raw format on our televisions can sometimes be attributed to our lack of action or knowledge.

Of course, just for the plain fact that i'm writing this tonight, means the movie had it's intended effect. I'm scared for our future and not just my future, but the future of children growing up today and being born tomorrow.

I also am at fault. I've done my part to make things the way they are now, but i've also made my own series of changes, some personal, some legislated, but none the less, they are changes for the better. After watching this movie though, I feel there is so much more to do and so many ways for us to sacrifice just a few of our conveniences in general to improve where we'll be in just a few decades. If we avert disaster, our children may just be singing our praises rather than curse our generation when it's time for their children to grow up and life on their own. There is so much we know now that our parents never knew or didn't believe. We have no excuses anymore. You know, I used to think, "to hell with worrying about global warming, I won't be around when it becomes a true issue", but what the fuck, it is an issue today.

The film points out that global warming is possibly responsible for many of the worries we carry today from avian flu, to the katrina's of the world that cause so much devastation year after year. If you watch this movie, (and I hope everyone does) you won't even believe what scientists have discovered in the arctic and antarctic. We are on the verge of a disaster that I never though I would see in my lifetime. Just check out this before and after photo from the great white north.

Another thing...

I'm a blathering idiot. I think this caps it for me. Anything I expose myself to that is generated, created or produced to tug at your heart strings really works on me now. I can't help but swell up... I just can't help it.

Check out the movie link: http://www.climatecrisis.net/

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Just Another Day

Ok... I have to chase down this physical thing. I have to see where this road leads. If there is something truly wrong with something inside me, I need to do whatever it takes to get to the end of it, but i'm starting to believe it is a mental issue again.

Last night, my physical ailment went away for a while, and what happened? I had sex... something that actually took my mind off of anything else going on in my life. For a good... ummm... few minutes, my world was alright, everything had a rhythm, and my heart and lungs weren't betraying me.

I need to see my ol doctor, the hypnotherapist. If things go as well with the therapist as they did last time, I can easily tell if this whole thing is just in my head. Dr.Berndt, here I come.

I'm lacking motivation, at work mostly and some of that is winding it's way into my personal life as well, which pisses me off thinking that it will cost me more than i'm willing to lose. Do I lack motivation because I think my company is going to shut down my division and leave me in the middle of nowhere?, am I tired of dealing with clients that seem to never be pleased with what we are trying to do for them? I don't know anymore.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Hot Chip

It seems like i agreed to go see Hot Chip months ago. I needed the distraction, i guess. With all the shit going through my mind pertaining to my own health and all the mounting worries involved with that crap.

I got the news that i'm now fighting high cholesterol, on top of the daily mental battles i have with my daily activities.

I just back from seeing my doctor and once again, she seems to think i'm represing some kind of depression. I'm not saying that's not true, but i see people every single day that aren't happy and that doesn't mean depression and it certainly doesn't mean they are dealing with the same kind of health issues i'm facing. The pressure on my chest is back, every other hour i think i'm having a heart attack. Ofcourse, that sounds exactly like what i went through before with the anxiety and panic attacks, but i still think this is a little different. The pressure i feel now is not only on my chest but it's moved down into my stomach and ofcourse, me being me, i'm wrapping myself into a spiral of worry. I would be a hell of alot better if i was around my girfriend and the kids.

You know what's weird? Reading that back, i think it's strange that what should be causing me anxiety (thinking of a future family life) is actually what i think would stop this crazyness. Of course i can't just jump into something like that, but i don't fear it.

So now, i stress over work, because nothing ever seems to go right when i try my best to do the best for my clients.

I stress over my family. My mother isn't doing well... She's trying to be positive and i respect that, but i worry about her surgery in the coming month. My mother's health issues over the last year or two also make it worse for me because i worry about my health in relation to hers.

I guess what i need to think about is going through all the tests my doctor wants to put me through. I want to rule anything out and work from there. If i need to be back on medicine to control my anxiety and "depression", then that's what i need to do, i can't just fuck around anymore.

Here are some Hot Chip videos... They Rocked last night in the T-dot. Check these out!