Sunday, August 20, 2006

What Controls Who?

I've been told recently that i control the most important part of my relationship. The sex. I thought about that for a while and came to the conclusion that i have to be the first person in control of something i feel completely helpless to control.

I know it sounds weird, but for someone who is afraid of a "bad" performance due to the overwhelming energy of their partner, i don't feel in control of anything when the action is actually taking place. Of course, it's great when it happens, but like a pitcher doesn't want a no-hitter mentioned because it might bring about a hit, i don't like to tempt the gods, when things are going well, i leave well enough alone. It's not a positive way of thinking, but positive thinking is another thing people can't accuse me of.

I do alot of things for my girlfriend. I do things that i know create a bond in our relationship. I basically do what she wants to do for the most part. Somehow these things always become just matter of fact actions taken by men when they want to please their women. I'm sure there are things women do in the same fashion, but i'm not on that side of the ball so i can't speak to that.

I just know when i'm with her, i'm usually calmest and happiest. I hope she sees that.

I'm a jealous guy, even when it's not warranted. I'm not a voilent or vocal jealous guy, just a depressive one. At a wedding last night i had to watch a guy who is married and has known my girlfriend for so long, drapped all over her, in a friendly way, the kind of physical contact you would have with a person you've known your whole life. So what's wrong with that? I still find myself wishing he'd have respected me in that situation and just kept the contact to a minimum. Hell, it didn't even bother me the first or second visit over to our table, but towards the end of the night, he'd had more contact with my girlfriend than i did. I know there is nothing to it, but it's just not something i would do to another guy, no matter how long i knew a girl or the kind of relationship i had with her. It's just not in me. whatever...

On to other things. I have a problem these days driving when i'm tired and it's getting real late. I really don't get it. I was once the guy counted on to drive drunk, high, and or tired. It didn't matter. Now what? i turn 30 and it's not possible to be up late and drive? Fuck me.

I'm just so frustrated with myself sometimes.



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