Monday, July 17, 2006

Not The Beast I Was

You know what? I guess I'm not the typical guy anymore. I'm not what i used to be and i know it. I'm just working now to adjust and accept what i am now.

My girlfriend has what i have to describe as a very healthy sexual appetite and although i enjoy sex, i have slowed down quite a bit since my first relationship. I don't want to upset her, and i know how difficult it is for a woman when a man doesn't appear to show incredible desire.

I have such a good time having her around me, i really feel connected to her when i spend time with her, i guess you can call it an understanding, a calming influence on my day. The negative? She doesn't seem to feel the same closeness simply from being with me. In her life, family and friends are always just a few steps away and since I've actively created a vast chasm between myself and my friends. It's not a healthy thing, i know, but it was born out of a need, a requirement or survival tactic.

Closeness is for the most part achieved by couples being couples, being close physically and reminding each other how they still desire and want each other sexually. I do feel that need as well, but these days, that need is situational and timing seems to be important.

I feel bad that my family has been away on vacation and my girlfriend had huge plans of carnal nature and i seem to have come up very short in the expectations department. Although we spent so much time together this weekend, expectation are what they are and when expectation aren't met, it can be quite disappointing. My old high school friend had the most negative quote in his year book, "Don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed". For a long time i thought that was a cool quote, but in recent years, I've come around 180 degrees. It's just not for me. I still try not to expect much myself, but I've improved.

I do love my girlfriend, i just have to learn to reach her expectations.


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