Sunday, May 07, 2006

Bitter Sweet

I'm very adept at picking out the good and the bad, although I have a proclivity towards the latter. The weekend was good, not great, but good.

I've always felt I'm socially awkward. It seems when people are zigging, I'm zagging and somehow the timing or the frame of mind is never right in me. This time, a wedding. A celebration of love between two people and sharing a happy night with them was a task for me.

I hate to think this way all the time, but I feel like my past controls my present, which is only a positive when the past leaves you with a lesson, letting you change your present for the better. In this case, my past time of excess and self-abuse has skewed my mind and my feelings towards others' participation in the drug and alcohol world. I'll not go into the typical diatribe of drugs in general not being a positive for people and alcohol not being far behind drugs in that criteria, but the fact is, alcohol is widely used and accepted as a main stay and making people social animals. Is that why when I don't drink at a gathering I feel so far away?

What's worse? Because someone obviously cares for me, they are concerned when I don't exactly act as they are accustomed. I'm very transparent to someone like my girlfriend. With the amount of time we've spent together, she's able to read me very well, and I can't hide things from myself and all too often act on what my mind conceives.

From jealousy to fear of consumption, I was able to put a dent into the evening. I tried to stay to myself to minimize the affect on those around me. I thought of leaving the premises for a while, go for a walk or something, but I couldn't do something that has never really brought me peace, and I'm sure I would worry someone I didn't need to put under any more stress. Hell, I didn't even want to say anything, except she's too good at reading me.

I don't like to feel a part of other's not being able to enjoy themselves fully, that is, I don't think I'm able to enhance other's good times. It's just something I have to get over... or not.

Other than that, hey, it's been a good few days. Once again, amazing sex, that I don't think was brought on by my girlfriend being buzzed from the drinking, which was good. hehe.

I do still think of a time in the future, when our time together isn't so scheduled and manipulated to fit a set of time frames. I miss the kids sometimes, even though I love the time we get to spend together. My girlfriend tells me the kids are asking about me from time to time and that makes me really happy and frustrated at the same time. I want to be there, I want to see them happy too.



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