Tuesday, May 16, 2006

The Small Cog

In the world of my daily dysfunction, the downs are quick and rises are a tad behind the ball.

My breathing is very heavy today. I'm light-headed and tired. I can't seem to catch up on any of the relaxation I realized a while ago I need to function at my best. It's not even so much that I'm doing things like watching TV late, it doesn't even matter. The quality of the rest I get is not impressive in the least.

What happens to me then? I can't cope with things as easily as I normally can. I can usually "not sweat the small stuff", but when a customer gets upset or my apparent irritability pisses of my girlfriend or co-workers are just plain annoying, there is nothing I can do to make things better. In my head, I'm in a pool up to my neck.

I know I've let myself down on a bunch of things. I know I haven't been committed to things that I promised commitment to (running, rollerblading, generally getting in better physical health). I do get down on myself all too often.

Yeah, the relationship has it's difficult days too, not too many, but from time to time, I'm reminded that I'm a small part of the picture and that doesn't help any either. I mean, my girlfriend is letting me know now that my life will forever be affected by her ex or husband or whatever he is right now. No matter how much we may want to do something or plan something or be together for something, he will always have trump card because of the kids. That's just how my life will be. Simple as that. Combine that with the fact that I feel women control my life to begin with, I'm looking down the barrel of a complicated existence, aren't I?

Well. Once I get my head wrapped around things, I'm sure I'll be fine once more. Just another hurdle in the rollercoaster, that's all.

Oh, and another thing. People, once you get to know them are quite transparent, and I'm no different. There are always subtle things that happen that may change your reactions slightly, but for the most part, I figure, if I know someone well, I know if they are upset with me. It's not a good thing, but it's a trade off in favour of closeness you want.

Note to self: Coffee's need 3 sugars



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