Monday, April 24, 2006

Leaving The Nest...

My mother is pushing, as mis-timed as most of her actions, this was not the time. Hell, I'm even questioning whether it's pushing or not. I think I would be more accurate in deeming it "aggressive seeding", asking me for the second time in a few weeks, when will I be moving out.

Sure, I know, I'm 30 this year and I should be out on my own anyway by now, but the thing is that she is inquiring as to when I will be living with my girlfriend. You see, it's been over a year of dating and by her book, I should be close to marriage. Damn, that woman moves fast. Since meeting her new boyfriend, my mother has started looking at moving and is looking at homes north or Toronto and is asking me what I think of the possibility that she will sell the house we currently live in. I don't mind, I don't mind at all. Memories tend to be negative in this house these days.

Here's my problem though. I don't like the comments, wait, not the comments, but the reaction to the comments both my girlfriend and I have. I don't feel pressured to live with my girlfriend and I'm very comfortable with the thought of living on my own, but I do feel a certain pressure. It's not a negative pressure although any pressure has the capability to be so.

I want everything to go well. I definitely see myself with this woman for a long time, i'm thinking of a life time. Am I just in love? "Love is blindness, I don't want to see"- U2. I don't think so, I just think after my past successes and failures and being closely in touch with what makes me feel good about myself and others that this woman and her family, her WHOLE family make me feel warm and a part of something, something I don't want to lose.

So here is my pressure. The pressure is that I WANT to be there for her, to be counted on, to be a part of a loving family. I feel the pressure from myself to be near my girl and her kids. I feel the pressure of time, which is most important at this stage of the children's relationship recognition. I know I keep harping on like a little bitch about wanting her to finalize her divorce and selling her house in an attempt to alleviate some of the pressure put on us externally, but the internal pressure is something I will feel myself. I want, I need to see the kids as much as I can too, because this relationship I have with their mother is only half of the relationship I know I'm up for, and I don't want to alienate a part of the relationship I want so much to be healthy. Time is of the essence.

I just don't want the comments from my mother to put undue pressure on my girlfriend. She's got enough to deal with as it is. I worry about her reaction to these things sometimes. I worry that she will feel like my mother is not only pushing me, but pushing her as well and that's something I don't need.



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