Friday, March 31, 2006

Making The Pizza

Yumm... although i'm getting really tired of pizza, but hell, somehow there is always dough in the fridge.

Friday... ummm... yay.

Waiting for the weekend now. I'm exhausted. I have to start the big job of doing a backup of all my movies, music and programs off my computer before i format and re-install XP once again. Actually, i used to do that every few months and it's been well over a year, a true testament to the amount of time i've been spending off my computer these days.

My girlfriend is back in town and it was nice to hear her voice on the phone. I didn't realize how different a voice sounds when a long distance call is placed.

It's happening again. The weather is affecting me to the point where i don't want to run tonight, after showing some improvement my last run, the rain is falling and the skies are dark. Sure takes the wind out of my sails.


Thursday, March 30, 2006

Final Exam

Well. Here i am, just moments after finishing my final exam for the A+ course at my school. I was thinking about this for a week already and just needed to get it all over with.

My girlfriend was as motherly as possible and staying on top of me to study, but work has been such a busy thing in my life that i can't get a minute to think, let alone actually open a book and study a subject like this one.

Well, i'm feeling pretty good. In the week that i landed 2 of my biggest jobs at work, i can smile tonight after scoring a 91.4% in my final exam. Not too shabby at all, after not studying, but i have to say, this is getting harder and harder. I know if i didn't have to handle so many things in my life all at once, i could probably ace the course and quite easily, but such is life and such is the responsibility of being a human these days.

I'm happy. It's off to dinner with the class and off home. I still have to get my actual certification done throw CompTIA, and i will book the exam sometimes soon, but for now, it's rest time.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Second Last

It's the second last class in my A+ course tonight. It's getting to me a little now, that I may not pass the damn A+ exam on my first try. I don't know what it is. I have so much crap to do these days that the information just isn't sticking the way it used to and I'm not sure I can count on the good ol' photographic memory like I used to in high school.

A guy as work took some time off to study for his Microsoft exam and when it came time to get it done, he couldn't pass. Came close, but no cigar (as they say). I'm not so scared of not passing the exam as I am of having to pay for taking the exam the second time around. I'm going to have this stupid feeling, you know, the feeling I should have passed it the first time, but for some reason, I like to make things difficult on myself when it comes to this type of thing.

How much time do I take before the exam to study? Do I waste my time trying to memorize tables and numbers that will eventually be useless, both in life and the exam? I've tried to study, I mean, I did try to study for some tests in this class I take and still, after so much reading, it didn't do me any good. You see, what I feel is important information, somehow doesn't actually make it into the test material. Bah...


Move In Date

When do two people decide to live with each other? When do people feel they are ready to put up with the little annoying things each other do, the things that will drive them nuts until they are just numb to the whole experience?

My mother is bringing up the subject now, out of nowhere. Maybe it's that I've been dating for a year or something. It's strange, when you are 18 and dating, a year is nowhere near the time to start thinking about sharing personal space with someone else, but all of a sudden, when you are approaching 30, the concept of time completely changes.

My girlfriend feels that I'm being pushed out the door, but I don't think this is the case. My mother is nutty enough to do anything of course, but in this case, I don't think it's happening.

I admit I have thought about what life would be like with someone else around and with the kids. I really did enjoy it before, although that experiment only lasted 2 months, but I enjoyed the sharing of everyday tasks and responsibilities. It felt like I was a part of something.

I haven't really wanted to make that move now though, I don't want to rush anything in any way. Anything worth my time is worth waiting for, and I'm hoping for the best in this situation. I wouldn't want to put pressure on anything and of course I don't deal well with pressure myself. I like to think my relationship is open enough to handle waiting and being sure of what is best for everyone involved.

I do want it to happen in the future, and I think it will be real good, but for now, things are cool.


Monday, March 27, 2006

Week Ramps Up

The weekend is over and the busy time starts again. It's strange that I get off on this somewhat. I guess with all the things going on in my life, it's this time at work when I'm so busy trying to get myself some extra commission money, that keeps me from spending too much time on my issues.

When I first started having my anxiety attacks and breathing was an issue on a day to day basis, the problem was that I was sitting at my desk with not much actual work to keep me from stapling my nuts to my thighs. I would take on as many non-work projects as possible, which is why I ended up with more blogs than I could handle. I also would participate in multiple online communities which kept me from sitting here thinking and thinking.

Now I deal with people who want as much as they can get for as little as they can pay. Nothing surprising here. I'm not really a person to haggle much, I just don't think it's worth it to some extent. On the flip side, I will try to work out a deal on something big like a car or something, but when I go out looking for a DVD player or something like that, I know how to find myself a deal online and I know what I should expect when I go into a retail store.

On the personal tip. My girlfriend's going away for a few days. Should I party? hahaha. It will be strange not having her call me every hour and a half. haha... ok, I better take it easy here, or she may not call me when she gets back. Oh yeah, it's our 1 year anniversary this Friday and I'm a little nervous about it. What the hell do women expect from guys on an occasion of this type? Moreover, what the hell will she expect from me on this occasion? I mean, we've both talked about a nice dinner, getting dressed up and classy it up, but is that really enough or not? Women will always say, "oh don't worry, that's enough, I don't expect much"!, but when it comes down to it, is that reality?

Well, what I will do this week is concentrate on this being my last week of school, and my new old workout schedule again. It was beautiful running through the park this weekend and I love the feeling that gives me. So? I'm a little selfish, aren't we all?


Sunday, March 26, 2006

238 and Beyond

Last year, almost exactly a year ago, i was in bad shape after some years of abuse, both mentally and physically.

238lbs is my weight today. Much better than i expected. The last time i had any significant activity was last November 20th when i ran 5 kilometers. I'm horribly lacking energy when the sun starts setting before 5:30pm. The winter can be such a downer and i've never been in a real good sustained mood through that season, but now the sun is working it's way to dominating the skies once again and it's time for me to get back into attempting some sort of regular workout and training schedule. Last year, i started working out at a weight of 254lbs and through hard work and a good mental attitude towards a training schedule, i was able to come down to 224-227lbs by the end of the summer. That's without really being anal about what i ate. I figured, if i'm working that hard to lose the weight, i'm not going to deprive myself of what i like to eat. It's going to be BBQ season soon and there's no way in hell i'm letting any of that go.

This morning i ran my first 5k since last November and my time of completion was 39 minutes. That's a whole 8.5 minutes over my best time of last year, but hey, it's only my first time this spring, so we'll see where we are in a few months. I will update my progress.

This weekend has been slightly strange. This is not earth shattering news i suppose, but someday the reverse will be true. I won't be able to have a bad weekend if i try.

I suffered an anxiety attack yesterday that left me quite confused. I have to expect these attacks from time to time, but usually, it's brought on by something that i can actually pin-point. Yesterday i couldn't, other than the fact that i've been feeling guilty for not maintaining my running this winter, nervousness over my last week of school coming up and the subsequent A+ exam i will need to pass to be certified.

This week i need to take care of getting my passport. Going to Orlando in June for my birthday, on business of course, but i will find some time for some fun while i'm down there. I will be bringing my camera with me and trust me, i will have some nice shots to share when i get back, but the reason i'm bringin this up, is that i found my citizenship card and i definetly look like an immigrant on the picture. Take a look.

That's an off the boat look, if i ever saw one.


Thursday, March 23, 2006

Inter-office Intrigue

Ok, that may be a little overstated. Ok, a hell of a lot, but none the less, it feels like a Tom Clancy novel around work these days.

I'm working on a major deal, one I shouldn't even be involved in by all rights, but hell, why not me? WHY NOT ME?

My co-worker though, the one you will all learn to be annoyed with, is also a loud mouth. It comes with being Italian. I know, Portuguese aren't that far off either, but you know what? You wouldn't mistake me for a Portuguese person on my worst day, it's just not who I am.

This guy though, is either leaking information on purpose to my company's competition, or is so stupidly gullible, that the friends he has (who happen to work for competitors), are able to easily procure the information they are searching for by appealing to his female like ability to hold on to information. "Sorry to all the bishes out there".

Let's see... my former co-worker whom I nicknamed sleepy (pictured here) was working on this deal and wasn't able to stay awake long enough to keep from being fired, and when he went out the door, my current head ache of a co-worker was his best buddy. I guess they both enjoyed the benefit of employment with no strings attached, like say... actually getting work done.

Being intimately familiar with this big project through the relationship, Talky, as I'll call him, was hoping he could now pick up the scraps and be given this major project, thereby extending his desirability within the company. It was a no go, and it was given to me.

I know, it's a long story, so just shut up and read it already.

Talky has been green with envy over this and expressed on a few occasions how he wished he had been asked to handle the job. So now, as the project takes shape, somehow information is leaking to our competitors and without proof, of course, the company can't do anything. So what do we do? We keep Talky out of the loop.

Oh but wait, this guy is so emotionally immature, he can't bear to not be inside on every single thing going on and today he was an emotional wreck, incapable of pretending he had something to work on. He was in my office, in and out, trying to get the most information he could, which was not forthcoming. I could see his eyes tearing up. Again... this guy is over 50 years old. I hate to say it, because sometimes he can actually be a good guy, but pathetic comes to mind.

By the way, that picture above of Sleepy in action or lack thereof was just one of many, many images I have. This sleeping in the office act was so popular that I started emailing these pictures out to the office staff and everyone had a laugh. It's not like I got him fired though, because he was sleeping for years before he got fired, and much of that time I had been visually documenting things from my cubicle seat which was facing him directly.

Now Talky has made comments that I, in some part, had something to do with Sleepy being terminated. That's right, it's all Noonz' fault, the fact that this account executive didn't sell anything in 3 years had nothing to do with it... Pshaw.


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Terrorism and Emotions and Urinal Hair

Toronto fears terrorism. It's true.

I woke up this morning to the news that Canadians believe terrorism isn't likely to hit Canada, which of course is foolish. How many New Yorkers actually thought the towers were going to come down? Well, they wouldn't doubt anything now, would they?

I'm not saying everyone needs to walk around in fear, because it's not healthy and it's most definitely unproductive, but let's be serious here, no one can walk around thinkning they have a bubble around them, protecting them from all the evils in the world.

This being said, Canadians think the Toronto subway system would be the most likely target for a terrorist attack. Good thing I don't use that system anymore, but an attack on that target would definitely cripple the city.

Then I get to work and this co-worker of mine who is old enough to be my father is a wreck. Once again, things were said and done that hurt his feelings and which he didn't "appreciate". The guy is an emotional wreck, worse than I am... That's right, worse than I am. I have to believe, when I'm over 50, I'll be a little more stable than he is. I will always try to hold on to the youth I never really lived. I need to feel there are playful, fun things I can do, but I also want the responsibility of life. I'm not afraid of it.

It makes me think of the small things when i deal with this guy. He's lived a life of selfishness in my opinion. Although he may have been a good friend or provider of something, i get the sense that somehow, he won't do something unless he feels something is coming down the road in his favour.

I think i'm the same way of course. Man in general is selfish, but what i want down the road is simple. I don't need a lot of money, although of course, it would be nice, but what i want most is palpable, regular love. A life that most seem to think is just common place. Such a change for a guy that used to be on stage with small dreams of being a musician.

ARGH!, I don't know how many times i see this crap, but trust me, it's too many times and i have to ask EVERY SINGLE TIME. This day in age of all the trimmers and shavers available on the market, why do i have to see this crap?

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but i like the clean look. Maybe women out there aren't demanding enough when it comes to manly cleanliness, but if guys can expect shaven or trimmed beaver, then why can't the men cut down on the penile hair explosion?


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

2 Weeks

I'm having a hard time with school. Something I never needed to say before, unless I was dealing with that damnable Mr. Augustine from my grade 10, 10, 10 science class. That's right, the only class I repeated. I thought I was making a point against my school's hiring practices. A Pakistani teacher that barely spoke English was in no position to teach, he trust me, he was up there with the worst of the teachers I've ever had. The guy would come in, take attendance and just write on the board "Answer questions 1-15 on page 'blah, blah, blah'...". Then he would just sit there and see who would actually go through the exercise.

I was thoroughly bored, thus nothing was answered on my part. Oddly enough, only trying when it came to tests almost got me the credit anyway, but I'm sure on some level, that bastard wouldn't let me move on from his class, simply because I refused to do the work he assigned, not that I didn't already have the knowledge required to never see his rat face again.

Now things are different. Of course I volunteered for what I'm going through now. I signed myself up for the proverbial torture I feel these days. It's what it takes to feel like you have a future, I gather.

Classes at my age are different. Imagine you are a person taking a course on a subject you already have a passion for or have a good understanding of. Why would you take such a course? Because the industry that hires people with that kind of knowledge has no way of differenciating a poindexter from a whole in the ground. Everyone filling out an application looks the same. Prove to them you know something Habib.

So here I am, at school writing this before my second last test. I can't bring myself to opening a book and studying. Completely opposite of what I thought just a month ago, now I feel that studying this subject isn't even worth it. What matters is the exam, the certification. That's all anyone cares about.

I need a break, that's for sure. I don't think I can take another 2 months of twice a week night classes. I just have too much going on. Who can handle this kind of thing? Unless you are in a desperate place in life, where this is the way out, you shouldn't drive yourself off the deep end this way. I will take time off, I believe. I was hoping to finish all my certifications before the end of the summer, but the way I see it, it may take another year to get it all done. What? Still in school at the age of 30? Argh.

Should have passed that damn 10th grade science the first time around!

edit: got a 60% on this test without studying.

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Monday, March 20, 2006

Anatomy of a Bad Night

I worry sometimes, sometimes all I do is worry. A while back my sister was having chest pains, which is always a scary thing, regardless of the reasons for that pain. Well, it seems the doctors made the diagnosis that this chest pain of hers was due to anxiety and feeling the pressure of being a teenager.

Being familiar with her story, I try not to think about my own body's reactions to whatever is going on in my own life, but sometimes it does worry me. I wonder what is going on with my body, I wonder what is happening inside my chest.

Last night I had some severe chest pains, right over the heart area. Of course it worries me. Trying to get to sleep when you feel a chest pain is not easy, and then the brain starts working, trying to put together what could possibly be going wrong, and then two hours later, finally at 2:15 am, you get to sleep.

A night like that always leaves me floored the next day. Today I'm walking around with a light -headedness I used to feel years ago when things were getting to me.

The problem is that it happens from time to time. There is a period in between these sensations that I completely forget about that kind of pain, so for a split second each and everytime, I wonder if this is it, is this a heart attack? It's a difficult way to think.

I'm a worry wart when it comes to my health, I know I'm not necessarily helping myself in the way that I'm inactive for a portion of the year, but now I worry about my heart, I worry about cancer since my mother had it. It's not a healthy way to go about things, I know, but it's me... for now.

All I know is that although my anxiety doesn't disappear completely when my girlfriend is around, I still feel so much better. I don't remember the last time I had that same chest and heart pain feeling when she's spent the night or when I've spent a day walking with her. I hope all this goes away in time. We'll see.

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Sunday, March 19, 2006

The Usurper I Am

Kids are loud and unfocused, there's no doubt about it, and it's just kids being kids. It's weird for me to try and watch a movie with too many kids in a room, they just seem to set each other off every other minute, and really, what can you do?

image hosting by imagevenue.comI get a strange sense when I visit with my girlfriend's sister's house. There is a little girl there that I absolutely adore, she's on par with my girlfriend's own kids, the kind of little girl I just like to watch for hours on end. Cute, Cute, Cute, is all I can say.

What bothers me a little though, is that I sometimes feel I'm stepping on daddy's toes in the way I interact with her. Everytime she cries after getting smacked in the face, hair pulled, knocked down by one of the other kids, there is a greater chance that she will end up in my arms than her dad's. I know that she's his favourite of the children and sometimes I feel like I'm catching a look on his face, an unhappy look. Last time I was there, daddy needed to discipline her and spanked her butt and the kid comes running across the room with her arms held out wanting me to hold her, and what did I do? I picked her up. Dumb move I know. But I put her down as quickly as I could.

I don't know the man as well as I know everyone else in the family, he doesn't really let himself be known, or maybe there really isn't much else to know, but I don't want him coming around someday and saying that I'm usurping his daughter, but maybe I am... haha.

So today is the day i can catch up on my Howard Stern listening. It's a pain to be as far behind as I've been.


Saturday, March 18, 2006

Saturday Lounge

Gotta hate it when you wake up with a little crater in your throat. If there's anything I dislike, it's getting a sore throat, and that's what I feel is coming on. Anyways...

I heard a few days ago about South Park Parting ways with Isaac Hayes, who was the voice of the "chef" character. The whole reason this became a story was that after South Park making fun of all the religions for such a long time, the straw that broke the camel's back was the show making fun of the crazy scientology hollywood nutbars. Hayes is a scientologist. Ok, I get that, screw all the other religions but my own.

Now, Tom Cruise, the super twink, comes to the rescue. The show in which South Park was supposed to make fun of scientology mysteriously didn't make it to the airwaves this week. Why? That's right, mister couch jumping psychopath was able to use his pull to express his scientology craziness.
You see, according to MSNBC, it looks like Tom Cruise threatened to stop promoting the upcoming "Mission Impossible III" film unless they pulled a South Park episode from television that was supposed to air that made fun of Scientology. [via. the movie blog]
God, what happened to Tom Cruise?

And now, for more proof that I will never understand women. Kate Beckinsale claims she sometimes feels "ugly". What the hell?


Friday, March 17, 2006

Raptors Game With Old Friend

Just getting home from the game. Now, I'm obviously a huge basketball fan, I just can't seem to get enough, but by this time of the year, I'm getting tired of my home team, the Toronto Raptors. I guess I can take just so much of the losing before the interest itself is lost.

March Madness is here. It's time to see the young players playing for pride and another chance to take the floor another day. No one is making the big bucks yet, no one's ego is too big for the gym they play in, and it's slightly refreshing to see.

Sometimes you find yourself far from people you used to spend quite a bit of time with. I was accompanied to this game by a co-worker that I actually became friends with for a time in my life, a time that I was quite destructive to myself and my mental state of mind. But the strange thing isn't that I was such a goof then, its that I thought he was, and I feel I went out of my way to remove that personality from my life, after all, I was too good for him, wasn't I?

The guy is really a good person though. Someone interested in everyone being in a good mood and in a good place in life. I'm a little ashamed of how i acted towards him in what i wish was another life. The guy is good company, i laughed all night. Always a joke, always something to say i feel interesting.

I'll see him again soon, but i was happy to come home.

The Raptors won a game again. Damn, they can't even play the draft game right. The more you lose now, the better a draft pick you will probably end up with. C'mon boys, lose one for the Gipper.


Thursday, March 16, 2006

Run Baby Run

I've seen this image around for a few days and hell, I don't want to be left behind on this the world wide intarweb.

This reminds me though, I need to get back to my running. After taking it up last year and wanting it to become part of my regular day to day lifestyle, I thought I would be able to battle through my crazy winter activity phobia, but alas, the phobia has once again reclaimed control of my life.

I want to complete another 10k run by the end of the summer. Let's hope this running thing wasn't a fad with me. I know I can get over dose on things, good and bad, but I need to feel better about myself and I know running can do that for me.


Shabooty depresses the hell out of me.
Wutang Clan Bible
Jack Handy Quotes - Gotta love em'
Google Map Mars
Deadly Influenza 1918 - This makes me think about the damn bird flu

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Life's a Bitch...

... and then you work with one... or a few.

It's amazing to me. The Doors have a great song that I used to listen too, "People are Strange". What a song, and I don't need to really say it, but damn, the Doors were right, people are outright fucked up.

I'm getting regular attitude from the woman that works with me that was nice enough to set up a pseudo blind date between myself and her friend, saying that she's a nice person and I'm a nice guy, so why not try it.

Things have really soured with her. After a good relationship over the last year, this co-worker has gotten to the point where I really believe she feels I control this friend of hers and that somehow, bringing the two of us together may actually have been a mistake, regardless of how happy we may be with each other.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usI just can't accept this that easily. The woman has no idea what she's doing these days. She's had in me a person that stood by her at work and related to her in a way no other guy at work did. I knew of intimate non-work related personal information that she shared with me that made the relationship at work somewhat special. I believed she was a real nice person and although we all have our faults, I could do nothing but wish her the best in everything she did and experienced. I was genuinely hurt by the fact that she lost a baby during pregnancy, a baby that I now think would not have enhanced her life the way she hoped, but I was sad for her and disappointed for her.

I'm at the point now though, that I don't care, I really don't. It's not that I want anything negative to happen to her. I still want the best for her, I know she deserves it, but I also know that I don't deserve some of the snotty, bitchy comments I've been putting up with over the last weeks/months.

Enough already, I've handled this very well, I think. I just don't have the time to cultivate a relationship she was used to having with me at work. I didn't change, she didn't change, but the situation changed. So now I'm having sex with her friend... GASP!! Two adults living their lives... how dare us. Secondly, I just don't have the time at work, since becoming part of the sales staff. Here's how it works out. If I do have the time to be "one of the girls" and chit chat all the time, that probably means I'm not selling anything, which as a commissioned sales person, would be shooting myself in the foot. Right?

Hell with that...

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Blah Night

Hearing the kids having fun at McDonald's. I'm not in a good mood myself. The days are long, and the weekends too short. I feel slightly burnt out today.

I've been on what feels like a roller coaster for a while now. I'm handling it pretty well, I think. Other than the other time when I felt something catastrophic was coming around.

It was the worst feeling I had felt for a long time. I felt it before and I had forgotten it, put it out of my mind, buried it so far away I would never have found it again, but it found me. Needless to say, it ruined my night. I actually felt for a split second, like I wasn't in love. It was shocking, literally. I felt an electric shock surge from my brain through the rest of my body, my eyes teared up, my chest was heavy and painful. I thought I was going to collapse.

I decided not to let it bother me too much, I know my own tendency for taking too much on mentally at the wrong time. Well... it didn't help. It felt like the fastest passing panic attack ever, but left me more hurt than any i've had been in a long time.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usI tried my best to sleep that night, and it just didn't go too well. You know... I know I'm in love, but that split second feeling really shook me. It was difficult to accept.

The next morning I felt better. I thought the true test of how I handle things will reveal itself when I hear my girlfriend's voice, and when she called, I was eager to see what my gut feeling would be. When I heard her voice, my whole body's tension level dropped. Not down to nothing mind you, I was still surprised by what had happened the night before.

It was a strange experience, I feel brought on by comments questioning my feelings. I think my weak emotional shell was cracked from hearing about how many horrible things are being said to my girlfriend. I thought I could just be the "rock", but after all these years, I over estimate my ability to do that anymore.

Once again, I whine and whine about my situation, when in reality, I have it pretty good. I just had a great weekend with my girl. I miss her when she's gone, although I hate, hate, errr.. dislike the telephone relationship. I want more time with her... ofcourse, I'm not nuts. I know there is value to my own time, but I have such little time to myself these days, what do I know?

Teachers.... WAAAAaaaahhh!

Stupid teachers are on strike where i go to school. I must admit, i don't know what the issues are and why the teachers are so upset. All i know is that they blocked my entrance to the school and in some cases were blocking people who had no wish to participate in the receiving of paper form propaganda. The police were called when things got a little rough.

Monday, March 13, 2006

So This is it

New day, new blog.

I don't know whether it's something that i need to do or just something i want to do because i actually think someone cares enough to read this crap.

It does make me feel good to get some of this shit out, and that's what i'm going to do here. For the most part i have some general rules i follow with my blogs. One blog for personal shit, that i keep private, one NBA related blog, one general nice nice blog, one blog on school.

I'm tired of the rules. Just going to let'er rip on here. After all... all the names are changed to protect the guilty.