Tuesday, November 21, 2006

An Inconvenient Truth

I just finished watching "An Inconvenient Truth", an absolutely eye opening, impacting movie. Of course most of us have heard of our impact on the environment and we've heard warnings of one thing or another and always, at least in my own life, go on not thinking the problem is as great as it is. Maybe the problem is that the problem is in fact so large, that i'm we are unable to grasp just how important an issue this is. The problems we all read about on the front pages of newspapers and see illustrated in raw format on our televisions can sometimes be attributed to our lack of action or knowledge.

Of course, just for the plain fact that i'm writing this tonight, means the movie had it's intended effect. I'm scared for our future and not just my future, but the future of children growing up today and being born tomorrow.

I also am at fault. I've done my part to make things the way they are now, but i've also made my own series of changes, some personal, some legislated, but none the less, they are changes for the better. After watching this movie though, I feel there is so much more to do and so many ways for us to sacrifice just a few of our conveniences in general to improve where we'll be in just a few decades. If we avert disaster, our children may just be singing our praises rather than curse our generation when it's time for their children to grow up and life on their own. There is so much we know now that our parents never knew or didn't believe. We have no excuses anymore. You know, I used to think, "to hell with worrying about global warming, I won't be around when it becomes a true issue", but what the fuck, it is an issue today.

The film points out that global warming is possibly responsible for many of the worries we carry today from avian flu, to the katrina's of the world that cause so much devastation year after year. If you watch this movie, (and I hope everyone does) you won't even believe what scientists have discovered in the arctic and antarctic. We are on the verge of a disaster that I never though I would see in my lifetime. Just check out this before and after photo from the great white north.

Another thing...

I'm a blathering idiot. I think this caps it for me. Anything I expose myself to that is generated, created or produced to tug at your heart strings really works on me now. I can't help but swell up... I just can't help it.

Check out the movie link: http://www.climatecrisis.net/

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Just Another Day

Ok... I have to chase down this physical thing. I have to see where this road leads. If there is something truly wrong with something inside me, I need to do whatever it takes to get to the end of it, but i'm starting to believe it is a mental issue again.

Last night, my physical ailment went away for a while, and what happened? I had sex... something that actually took my mind off of anything else going on in my life. For a good... ummm... few minutes, my world was alright, everything had a rhythm, and my heart and lungs weren't betraying me.

I need to see my ol doctor, the hypnotherapist. If things go as well with the therapist as they did last time, I can easily tell if this whole thing is just in my head. Dr.Berndt, here I come.

I'm lacking motivation, at work mostly and some of that is winding it's way into my personal life as well, which pisses me off thinking that it will cost me more than i'm willing to lose. Do I lack motivation because I think my company is going to shut down my division and leave me in the middle of nowhere?, am I tired of dealing with clients that seem to never be pleased with what we are trying to do for them? I don't know anymore.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Hot Chip

It seems like i agreed to go see Hot Chip months ago. I needed the distraction, i guess. With all the shit going through my mind pertaining to my own health and all the mounting worries involved with that crap.

I got the news that i'm now fighting high cholesterol, on top of the daily mental battles i have with my daily activities.

I just back from seeing my doctor and once again, she seems to think i'm represing some kind of depression. I'm not saying that's not true, but i see people every single day that aren't happy and that doesn't mean depression and it certainly doesn't mean they are dealing with the same kind of health issues i'm facing. The pressure on my chest is back, every other hour i think i'm having a heart attack. Ofcourse, that sounds exactly like what i went through before with the anxiety and panic attacks, but i still think this is a little different. The pressure i feel now is not only on my chest but it's moved down into my stomach and ofcourse, me being me, i'm wrapping myself into a spiral of worry. I would be a hell of alot better if i was around my girfriend and the kids.

You know what's weird? Reading that back, i think it's strange that what should be causing me anxiety (thinking of a future family life) is actually what i think would stop this crazyness. Of course i can't just jump into something like that, but i don't fear it.

So now, i stress over work, because nothing ever seems to go right when i try my best to do the best for my clients.

I stress over my family. My mother isn't doing well... She's trying to be positive and i respect that, but i worry about her surgery in the coming month. My mother's health issues over the last year or two also make it worse for me because i worry about my health in relation to hers.

I guess what i need to think about is going through all the tests my doctor wants to put me through. I want to rule anything out and work from there. If i need to be back on medicine to control my anxiety and "depression", then that's what i need to do, i can't just fuck around anymore.

Here are some Hot Chip videos... They Rocked last night in the T-dot. Check these out!