Sunday, August 27, 2006

8 Days A Week, I Stresss

I don't want to start re-thinking my job, but man, I'm feeling quite stressed now. I don't think it's going to be this crazy for a long time, since last week and this week some of my co-workers are away on their vacation, all their work load and any of the issues that come with their clients gets dumped on me. It's not something I'm ready to accept and I'm having a hard time with it.

I haven't fought my acute anxiety this hard since I first ended up in the hospital a few years ago and ultimately needed medication to take care of my issues. I know a hell of a lot more now about how I handle things now than I did back then, so I hope that with that knowledge and the support I receive from my girlfriend and family, that I'll be able to handle this easily and find myself back in my comfort level soon.

My way to handle stress at work over the last 2 years has been simple. I just can't care that much about what I do. I take things seriously, but I don't put enough weight into what I do that it stays with me all the time. I've been in the business now for over 7 years and I've seen people come and go simply because their fault was caring so much that they could no longer sleep at night, unable to accept our limitations and the processes our company puts us through.

I will break out my hypnosis relaxation tape again and seriously consider visiting good ol' Doctor Berndt.

What bothers me now is that I'm putting my girlfriend through this kind of anxiety episode. She's been through enough and I don't like to add to her worries and I want to be strong for her and be there for her when she needs me and when I'm dealing with this anxiety crap, I don't feel like I can accomplish that.

Well... here comes another work week.


Thursday, August 24, 2006

Today, I Learned To Pack

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


Sometimes I hit the wall, both personally and professionally. Hey, I figure it's just natural. A co-worker was telling me about an article he read stating that every person has a cycle, both upward and downward in terms of mood, perceived luck, strength and coping ability. The people that struggle with life are those who's cycle is too long or too deep in either direction. It makes sense, doesn't it?

I'm in a down cycle. I accept it, and I'm trying to learn to sleep better with this cycle. I don't readily accept the notion that every cycle I have and how deeply I may waiver is just a natural phenomenon. I'm sure things in my life and choices I've made influence the heights and depths of the valleys and peaks, and the experiences I have also affect me similarly.

Last week my mother asked me about my relationship with my girlfriend. How frustrated are you? How do you feel after this amount of time that nothing has really changed in her situation in regards to her house and her divorce? You know, I've been kept so busy this summer that I haven't thought about it much. I am giving up hope though. It's sad. I don't even want to hear about the subject anymore.

I guess what might be bothering me this particular week is that no matter what I do or how patient I've been with this whole thing, when I make the inevitable mistake in the relationship, like showing a lack of patience from time to time or not exactly living up to a perceived standard, I'm the one not getting any sleep and questioning my worth and my ability to sustain what I've gotten myself into.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself that well, but I'm certain I know myself better than anyone else knows me and I know I wouldn't be in the position I'm in with this relationship if I didn't feel inside that it's a positive for me and that the end result after all this frustration is going to be happiness. It's a hard road to haul though.

These last few days, I don't even know what to say, if I did know, I'm not sure I would say anything anyway. Seems to me my mouth is just getting me in trouble and there are subjects I will not swim through.


Monday, August 21, 2006

I Told the Insurance Company... "it's not my fault"

Sunday, August 20, 2006

What Controls Who?

I've been told recently that i control the most important part of my relationship. The sex. I thought about that for a while and came to the conclusion that i have to be the first person in control of something i feel completely helpless to control.

I know it sounds weird, but for someone who is afraid of a "bad" performance due to the overwhelming energy of their partner, i don't feel in control of anything when the action is actually taking place. Of course, it's great when it happens, but like a pitcher doesn't want a no-hitter mentioned because it might bring about a hit, i don't like to tempt the gods, when things are going well, i leave well enough alone. It's not a positive way of thinking, but positive thinking is another thing people can't accuse me of.

I do alot of things for my girlfriend. I do things that i know create a bond in our relationship. I basically do what she wants to do for the most part. Somehow these things always become just matter of fact actions taken by men when they want to please their women. I'm sure there are things women do in the same fashion, but i'm not on that side of the ball so i can't speak to that.

I just know when i'm with her, i'm usually calmest and happiest. I hope she sees that.

I'm a jealous guy, even when it's not warranted. I'm not a voilent or vocal jealous guy, just a depressive one. At a wedding last night i had to watch a guy who is married and has known my girlfriend for so long, drapped all over her, in a friendly way, the kind of physical contact you would have with a person you've known your whole life. So what's wrong with that? I still find myself wishing he'd have respected me in that situation and just kept the contact to a minimum. Hell, it didn't even bother me the first or second visit over to our table, but towards the end of the night, he'd had more contact with my girlfriend than i did. I know there is nothing to it, but it's just not something i would do to another guy, no matter how long i knew a girl or the kind of relationship i had with her. It's just not in me. whatever...

On to other things. I have a problem these days driving when i'm tired and it's getting real late. I really don't get it. I was once the guy counted on to drive drunk, high, and or tired. It didn't matter. Now what? i turn 30 and it's not possible to be up late and drive? Fuck me.

I'm just so frustrated with myself sometimes.


Saturday, August 19, 2006

Fighting It Back

Sitting here, listening to music, just enjoying what i can, fighting back anxiety that seems to take a hold, no matter the day, no matter the company i keep, no matter the event i partake in.

At times like this, music can either bring you back or keep you from going further. Portishead is one of those bands that has some mouch rhythm and melody combined with what i call a "sound of shadows" capable of changing anyone's mood. I dont know if it's for the better or for the worse, but i love the hell outta this band and it's ability to profoundly change everyone who listens to it, whatever than change may be.

They also have one of the best music videos ever made, shot underwater.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The Price Is WRONG Bitch !

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Montreal - Part IV

While in Montreal, we decided to take in a museum that would teach us something about the city and how people settled there. This was the museum building and if anyone wants an interactive and well put together presentation about the history of a city, this is the place to go to. Don't ask me the name of the building now, it's French and I can't remember it, but if you walk on Commerce street by the old port, you can't miss it.

The old clock tower was a bit of a challenge, judging by my girlfriend. You're asked to endure 200 steps to the top of the tower but you're rewarded with an amazing 360 degree look over old Montreal and the old port. This place is not build for anyone who may require a steady diet. I met up with an older over weight lady in the spiral staircase from the tower and I thought I was wedged in there pretty good. Luckily she sucked in a few pounds and we were both on our way.

More pictures of the basilica.

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Montreal - Part III

Boy is Montreal full of churches. Of course the biggest of the churches is the basillica on Notre Dame street in Old Montreal. It took us 3 days to finally be able to get in the church and although we had already seen some impressive churches on this trip, the basillica is by far the most impressive and breath taking.

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Montreal - Part II

The nightlife in Montreal is simply incredible. I'm not even talking about night clubs and any of the craziness a town like Montreal can offer. I know it's just the summer season and the best time for tourist from all over the world to visit the city, but you could feel the energy of each and every street.

People are out on the patios, enjoying their drinks and food, enjoying each other's company and ofcourse, if you're my girlfriend, enjoying watching all the people as they walk by. I do have to agree with one thing. Montreal has the biggest variety of crazies know to man, both in fashion and in begging. Montreal won't be able to kick the pan handling. It's all over the place and it's gotta be the only negative to come from the visit.

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Montreal - Part I

What a great weekend. Years ago i was ready to "party down" in Montreal. Just a 6 hour drive used to be something both me and my friends would just anticipate every year. It was our tradition to go up and find Montreal buzzing during frosh week.

This time, the "party" wasn't on my mind, i wanted to take my time and see the city again and pay special attention to the detail of the city and the history of one of the oldest cities in our fine country.

My girlfriend and i went to town everyday and experienced the riches.

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Thursday, August 10, 2006

Carmen Electra and her Softdrink... umm.. what?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

What.. The... F*%K?

Happy Birthday Julia

A kid's birthday is important, we all know that. Still, it seems to me, when families are having a tough time, the tough comes out more when these kind of events are planned.

Julia had her birthday party today. It was fun, but families are the way they are. I can sense drama in the air sometimes, i can feel there is a strain when certain people share a space. Don't get me wrong, there were no words exchanged from what i could see, but i do see is people all hudling into each other to speak ill words. I'm no better. I had to lean over to my girlfriend and mention how her sister in law, who feels she is god's gift to men, didn't seem to make much of an effort on her looks this day. Still, although i did make that mention, i was only one of the many people who seemed to have gentle conversations requiring close ear to mouth.

After today's event, the place to be is the same as usual. I didn't feel like joining the party, especially since i've installed linux on my computer at home and there was much work to do to finalize my comfort with the operating system. This is my first post since my linux migration.

Tomorrow may be another day with the kids, one week to go before my trip to Montreal with the girlfriend and it's time to start planning our sightseeing.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Gary Coleman Took It... Hardcooore

Once again i find myself completely swamped. Since my annoying little buddy was "let go" and a bunch of his work re-distributed to the remaining sales staff, that's just myself and one other person, i've found my day simply flies by and next thing you know, it's August... WOW...

Here's a little ditty...